I am currently fighting a battle with fear. I’ve already established that my innermost spirit demands that I write. I’ve begun to make the time and space necessary for it. I’ve jotted down notes. I’ve mulled over concepts and played with words in my mind over countless captured moments.
Yet when the opportunity to sit and do nothing but write – to quench that thirst I know full well I have – I freeze.
I have no good reason for it. The kids are not home. My husband is not home. The house is decent enough for basic human survival and I did probably a dozen loads of laundry yesterday.
So why am I afraid? What is holding me back from fleshing out the scenes in my mind? From immersing myself in creating lyrical beauty in a poem? From rejoicing in finding the precise word I need, from a vocabulary I forgot I had?
This is not writer’s block. I’m fairly sure I am able to find the words to write. No, the only answer I can find is fear. Now understanding what the fear is – that’s another matter altogether.
Could it be fear of release? That by letting go and allowing I might just lose a little bit of control. I might find myself a different person than I thought I was. I might be pulled in yet another direction of evolution.
Fear of failure? Perhaps, I’ve often regretted how many things I’ve started and never finished. If I begin to write – to build on what I’ve started – what if I don’t finish? It might not turn out as I expected. It might not be good enough. It may be judged inadequate. I might never be able to publish or make money. Oh my, how ugly that sounds. I wish I could say that was not the case, but sadly it’s probably part of it.
Fear of success? Ah, the flip side of the perfectionist’s curse. If I succeed as any good perfectionist must, what new demand will that create on my life. Another thing to keep up and continue proving. Perhaps it’s better not to start – then I can just practice maintaining all the things I’ve already got going on in my life.
Would you believe me if I told you that part of the reason I haven’t posted here recently is because I feel like I need to start posting images or photos with my posts? Because after all, plain text is kind of boring and it’s not quite good enough for a regular blog. So goes my internal dialogue. Better to wait to post until you can figure out where to get images to use. I guess the writing can wait.
I’m sure the answer lies in some combination of all the above. But the first step in overcoming must be confronting it, right?
Fear, I speak your name. I see you there lurking – dark wolf in the periphery of my mind. If pen is mightier than the sword, let me wield it now.